Madness or Sanity??

Cervantes asked: "which will you have: wise madness or foolish sanity?"

People who deal with rejction, ciriticism or feelings of being alone - either in their own experience or in their current, adult relationships - usually cope by making use of "wise madness." That is, it's easier for most folks to use:

1. the fantasy of thinking that things are better than they really are
2. the fantasy that things will somehow change in the future
3. constant activity of parties, physical exercise, socializing, cleaning the home and the list goes on . . .
4. not valuing feelings, emotions and personal insight
5. fusing themselves with another creating the feeling of being loved and oneness

and many other ways that help to avoid seeing and having to deal with how they think and feel about their lives.

But a few choose the path of "foolish sanity" by striving to deal with:

•  the disappointing
•  and sometimes the hurtful parts of their lives

 It may be "foolish" because it requires looking at what has been difficult and challenging to confront. But they are also choosing to live with more "sanity" than "madness" by wanting authentic love and authentic people in their lives. And they want to be authentic themselves, authentic:

1.  in the sense of being upfront, honest
2.  not self-centered
3.  and willing to do the give-and-take that strong, healthy people and relationships require.

It's something for all of us to think about,
Chandler Welch
drcwelch.com

Coping With Food and Life

People who use food in their attempt to deal with anxiety and even loneliness often become depressed when confronted by the need to diet. Why? Because food has become the key means of coping and self-soothing.

 All of us can feel discouraged or down at times. And lots of people (probably all of us at one time or another) turn to food to make ourselves feel better when we feel defeated, discouraged or frustrated. But some of us use food as an on-going way of coping and responding to the some of the negative situations and emotions most of us encounter at some point in life..
Think about it:

• we look for atmosphere or ambiance in restaurants;
•  we seek out specific foods or special desserts
• we have our most favorite snacks
• and it doesn't matter whether those are healthy or outright junk foods

 All are examples of how tied our emotions are to food.  And it's no wonder - because food is one of the most satisfying and comforting experiences we have from the very beginning of our lives.

But there are those who struggle with their emotions - and the way they eat serves as an unconscious defense against the feelings of sadness, loneliness or other negative feelings. The question for some of these folks is not "why am I overeating" but "what else would I do with these feelings?"

And one last thought - although this kind of eating can be a problem, this relationship with food often masks or serves as a defense against other bad feelings. Sometimes it's a little more complicated than it seems.
Chandler
drcwelch.com

Drifting Relationship # 4

If your relationship has changed over time - then welcome to the club. What gets talked about the most is usually the shift of sexual interest. But that usually happens because:
 1) people don't maintain a sense of the erotic (this is a whole other subject) and
 2) more importantly, they don't make the effort to pay attention to the others' feelings and emotional needs. Lots of folks just get too used to each other. So the feeling of closeness changes.
But some people find their relationship drifting because they've placed too much weight on the feelings which were first generated between them as a way of defining their own significance and worth to themselves over the years. For example, in the beginning the feeling of specialness and significance comes from the emotional and sexual interest of the partner. But because all relationships change - the ones that devolve are no longer able to provide that ongoing source of energy that, in the past, has served to define and sustain ones' sense of personal significance and value.
If love does flow from the creator of the cosmos, then getting to a place where:
 1) you're able to feel your worth and specialness and
 2) eventually able to really value yourself (and take yourself seriously) and
 3) recognizing that the energy of love is capable of enabling you to be more aware of and attuned - that just maybe this energy can make a difference in how you view and feel toward yourself as well as your partner.
Because this energy is already a part of you - but you have to address what has till now inhibited and blocked your ability to access and draw on it in your feelings and attitudes toward yourself and maybe even toward your partner.
It's definitely something to think about.
Chandler Welch
drcwelch.com

Five Skills For Your Career and Your Relationship

A recent survey indicates that 93% of employers want college graduates with a broad background. They want to hire people who possess the following five abilities:

• a capacity to think critically
• an ability to communicate with clarity
• the ability to solve complex problems
• to think and function with ethical judgment
• to engage others with integrity

These are the same abilities and skills required for a successful, healthy relationship:

1. critical thinking is thinking about what you bring to the other person every hour; every day
2. communicating is about being honest and open - no smoke and mirrors
3. solving problems is what couples are supposed to do - together
4. being ethical is about being honest and not living with secrets or not trying to manipulate
5. integrity is about being consistent and dependable; it's being able to be trusted

A few things for all of us to think about.
Chandler Welch
www.drcwelch.com

The Battle To Be Who You Are Today - Video

The Battle To Be Who You Are Today

Sexually Molested and Angry

After talking with women who were sexually molested in some way when they were young, I've found an interesting pattern. Many (maybe most) are still angry at what their father, brother, grandfather, etc did. But many of them verbalize just as much anger - and sometimes more anger - at their mothers for the way they responded or didn't respond to what was going on.
Most people don't think about this part of the equation, but it's obvious to me how real it is. What's unfortunate is that most of the time the mothers fell victim to what was going on as well - in the sense that many of these women dealt with this emotional hot-potato from a place of:

•  personal emotional weakness
• emotional/financial insecurity;
•  fear of what others would think or say
•  fear of their partner
• or incapacitated by their own history of having been molested.

Whatever the reason the bottom line is that a surprising number of mothers failed their children at a time when they needed to be protected. But before anyone goes for the tar and feathers - the fact is - that insight and understanding into those mothers can help (to some extent) to heal at least some of that lingering hurt and anger. It's not going to make it all go away but maybe it will help some of those mothers become a tad more human in a situation when their response was less than what was needed!
If a few of these now grown daughters (and some sons) can help today's mothers be less fearful and more clear about what their response needs to be as they face a similar situation - then maybe that anger, as justified as it has been, will help protect some children today who need that protection now, as much as they, themselves, needed it years ago.
Chandler
drcwelch.com

Obsessive/Compulsive Personality Disorder Or OCD ??

There's an important difference between an Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder  and an OC Disorder. Both are grounded in a person's previous life experiences.

The Personality Disorder is based on a way of coping with repeated experiences of being overly criticized, put-down and even shamed by parents, grandparents or others.
As a result, there is an learned avoidance of making choices that might get criticized or disagreed with. The person becomes protective and somewhat controlling of projects or finances or anything that can ensure that he won't be able to be criticized or rejected again. Another way of describing this person is that he/she has learned to fly under the radar. Instead, the individual learns to be guided by:

• a set of internal "shoulds" and "directives" that give the person a careful blueprint of how to act and what to pay attention to from one situation to the next and from one day to the next. It's all about being careful not to be criticized or shamed - again.
• This Personality Disorder results in an emotionally constricted, rigid, and difficult-to-deal-with-change personality.
• Social, family and intimate relationships are challenging and difficult. 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, however, is a way of coping with a more specific painful or traumatic experience from the past that gets dealt with by separating the memory of what happened in the past from the feelings that continue to accompany that memory.

• the compulsive part happens as the person does battle with anxious and fearful feelings by:
• repeatedly needing to push to the side or push out of sight those bad or painful feelings
• that haven't been completely repressed or pushed out of sight in the first place.

And finally, an Obsessive Personality Disorder is a more fixed part of one's personality while OCD is considered to have a very different origin and to affect a part - but not all - of a person's personality and life and relationships.
I hope this helps,
Chandler
www.drcwelch.com

Drifting Relationships - Being Unaware of Yourself #3

One big, key reason relationships drift apart is people not being not aware of their own emotional needs. Some men especially won't let themselves think in terms of having "needs" - but that only sets them up for problems because it's like flying a plane without making use of their guidance system.

For both men and women being aware and understanding what you're looking for and what you're consciously and unconsciously longing for emotionally - is crucial for 5 reasons:

• if you know what you want and need  - then it gives you your own emotional compass when it comes to understanding your self and what has shaped you from your own emotional past
• when it comes to communicating the positive and affectionate feelings you have
• communicating to your partner when your unmet needs are strongly felt
• and understanding your emotions also equips you to be a lot more aware of the feelings and needs of people you work with . . . 
• and especially those you have closer, more intimate relationships with.

This is about knowing yourself:

1. so you're able to make smart choices and decisions about your relationships
2. so you can discuss, talk and communicate about what's working for you and what isn't always satisfying and emotionally working for you
3. and so you can do what is best and healthiest for yourself - from a physical, spiritual and emotional perspective!

This is something for all of us to think about and to be aware of. So give it your best,
Chandler
www.drcwelch.com

Emotional Hostage in Emotional Hell?

If you're dating these are some red flags to take seriously!

If you're married these red flags should be telling you that the two of you had better start doing some serious talking!

(or you'll end up being an emotional hostage in emotional hell)

• Controlling - I'll pout, be moody, withdraw, not tell you what's wrong

                                       (but I won't discuss like an adult)

• I don't want your friends around

(usually driven by immature need for your full, constant attention)

• Isolating - I don't want your family around - usually communicated through critical comments over                        time and without seeing some positives about your family

(I'm blurring my own fears, insecurities or previous bad experiences from my own family)

• Unexpected anger - this isn't fun and creates constant pain and casualties

(unless you grew up with an angry parent and you're more ok with it than you should be)

• Giving ultimatums

(it's far more about me than what's working or not working for you)

• When the relationship is work and not fun

(everyone knows when they're not having fun)

• When you don't feel listened to or understood in important ways

(and you know or can sense this one as well)

Give it you best,

Chandler

www.drcwekch.com

Why Do I Have Obsessive Thoughts?

Obsessive thinking and anxiety is a real challenge for lots of people. And it's almost always a mystery as to why it's there to begin with.

There can be lots of different life experiences and reasons but the key to dealing with obsessiveness is understanding that our mind has separated the conflicted and bad feelings which originally occurred when we experienced some traumatic or some on-going stressful situation. We have the specific memories of whatever painful experience we've had and we easily feel those negative, stressful and anxious feelings because of that experience.

But we no longer connect the two. The feelings get separated from the memory of what actually happened.  And this is due to a major triumph of our unconscious defenses over the anxious/conflicted feelings we have originally been faced with.

But those painful/anxious feelings don't just go away - they get pushed to the side but are still alive and well - they've just been  isolated from the original situation which caused them. And because they're alive and well we have to repeatedly keep pushing them off into the corner so we don't feel them and we have to repeatedly keep pushing them down to keep them separated from the original cause of them - which probably happened years ago.

Thus, we repeatedly or obsessively protect ourselves from all of this negative energy - by worry and anxiety which gets focused on almost anything or anyone - as long as we don't think about or feel all of those bad emotions.
I hope this helps - stay strong,
Chandler
www.drcwelch.com

Getting Stronger, Smarter, Healthier - Today

If you want to change something in your life -  what are you doing about it right now - today? What is your game-plan, your blue-print, the steps to get you there?
Whether it's:

• to improve your marriage
• to lose weight
• to have a better attitude
• to be less angry
• to feel better about yourself

It all starts with you! You already know at least some of what has to happen. You know you have to:

1.  start walking;
2.  begin talking about what's on your heart
3. or practice in your mind how you'll be the next time you get angry
4. or whatever it is that you want to deal with

 You know what you want - make it happen and if you need help or support or encouragement call a friend, talk with your partner or call me; but make it happen - today. Don't put it off. Push yourself; it's too easy to wait until "tomorrow."
You can do it,
Chandler
www.drcwelch.com

Trusting Your Partner

Lots of couples struggle with trusting the other -  and usually it's not about sexual behavior. But all too often it's about the feeling that the other isn't understanding or willing to listen. Instead, the lack of trust kicks in when you feel you're getting blamed, constantly criticized or just feeling you're not as special to the other as in the beginning.

It's hard to trust when you're always waiting to get hit over the head with an emotional frying pan! so the relationship continues to get more and more defensive and more distant! Because most couples have a pattern of automatically reacting defensively - it's a way of protecting yourself.

At some point someone has to decide that their partner isn't really getting out of bed planning to undermine or intentionally inflict pain.

And out of hurt and frustration you both may verbally strike back - but keep in mind - this has developed as a way of coping and not because there's a lack of fundamental caring and not because the other is mean-spirited.

It's all about caring enough about the other that someone takes the high-road and gets proactive to break a truly negative pattern. It's about reminding yourself and trusting that your partner isn't wanting to see things continue as they are!  Give it your best - just maybe you can do it.
Chandler
www.drcwelch.com

The Usual Causes of a Drifting Relationship

Relationships tend to drift for a number of reasons:

• being so busy with work; children; career
• being unaware of emotional needs of self and more often of the other
• being aware but not paying attention; not doing the listening
• getting defensive when your partner expresses frustrations
• personal insecurities which get projected onto the other person
• being too high-maintenance
• anger
• unhealthy personal habits such as drinking; excessive shopping; not staying in shape
• "emotional intimacy" has a different meaning to your partner
• being self-centered

Ironically, the only item above which isn't always in our control is the first one. I'll be doing a separate blog on each of these. All the others are areas where we do have some choice - about our behavior and attitudes either in response to what's going on in the present - or because of how our feelings and thoughts and expectations have been influenced by past experiences.
Stay tuned . . .
Chandler Welch
www.drcwelch.com

There's Only One of You!

Too many men and women struggle with negative energy - with too many critical and undermining beliefs and feelings abut themselves. It's easy to feel the hurt; the sting and the bad feelings from those negative emotional messages that have been handed to us by our parents, certain teachers, "friends," co-workers - and the list goes on . . . .

It's so easy to see and feel those negative feelings - that we too quickly let them define who we are - at least in our own minds. But those critical feelings are probably not true at all. They have nothing to do with the reality of who you are.

And they don't define all of who you are - because you know in your heart who and how you really are:

• you know that those who have criticized you in the past haven't really known you;
• they haven't really listened to you
• and they haven't worked to really understand you.

You are unique - there isn't anyone who can think, feel or do what you're able to do - in exactly the way you can. No one can replace you - so don't let those negative emotional messages from others define or describe who you know you really are!

Don't let those criticisms pull you down and don't accept less than what you deserve - for yourself and for your relationships; don't accept anyone who cannot feel honored to be a part of your life.
Chandler Welch
web site:www.drcwelch.com

By Yourself - Video

By Yourself

Two Actions - To Deal With A Drifting Relationship

There are two specific actions you can take to break that too-familiar communication and emotional pattern of drifting from closeness and sliding into a criticizing/blaming/defensive mode:

•  Get in the face of your partner - not with anger or accusations but with statements of appreciation and affection. But watch out - they better be sincere or you'll loose any and all credibility. You need to literally get in their face for your words to be heard and believed. When drifting occurs a credibility gap develops and affection and support need to be said in a deliberate and up-close manner.

• Your talk has to be very specific and with the right tone of voice! It doesn't matter if you're announcing a trip to the store or expressing your appreciation about something. You have to spell it out - so there is no chance of misinterpretation or of assumptions being made about what you really meant. Think of your partner as being six years old - no matter how smart or how much education he has. Be specific!

This is what it takes if you really want to shift the emotional tone and direction of things between you. If this feels realistic to you then it's not too late. But you have to really be aware and do it every hour of every day. Give it your best shot!
www.drcwelch.com

To Honor Another Person

To honor a parent (or anyone) is about identifying and trusting your judgement that there are specific parts to who they are - that you're able to value and respect - even when there are other aspects to their personality that you don't like; that have hurt you or that you'll never be able to feel good about.

But to be able to see someone from this perspective requires that you look at things with objectivity - in other words, without a lot of strong emotions where you second-guess your take on the history of that relationship and maybe do a lot of blaming - of that other person in your life or of yourself for how you've handled things with that person.

Maybe to honor a parent requires a degree of insight and understanding and then sometimes a degree of forgiveness - when you're ready and emotionally able to take that step.

(Just something to think about)    www.drcwelch.com

Two keys to a meaningful life

Most people long for and struggle to feel that their lives have meaning. Lots of folks think in terms of what makes them happy - but instead of happiness it's really about what's able to create a meaningful existence.

Think about it - without something that really resonates emotionally and intellectually, there isn't going to be happiness because there isn't going to be anything to really connect to.

 At any time and at any age what gives life meaning is:
1) the ability to value something that gives you passion; a reason to get out of bed each day - this is especially powerful if it goes beyond just yourself, and
2) to have someone who likes you and who means enough that you respond to them with enthusiasm, caring and appreciation.
 Passion and love are what ultimately generate a lasting feeling of happiness!
Give it your best - don't give up!
www.drcwelch.com

A Healthy Relationship

Here's a quote that I think is really a good description of any emotionally healthy intimate relationship:

"Marriage is that relation between man and woman in which the independence is equal, the dependence mutual, and the obligation reciprocal."     -Louis Anspacher

What do you think?
Chandler Welch
drcwelch.com

The power of emotions

Think of your brain as a cart with an elephant and a donkey pulling it.
 1) The elephant is the emotional strength of the "old brain" (the emotional part that's mostly geared to getting food, sex and dealing with danger). This part is "old" because our emotions evolved earlier than other parts.
2) The donkey is the strength of our reasoning which evolved later and is considered more evolved. The donkey is a lot smarter and scans for all the facts, possibilities and consequences.

But it takes so little for the power of our emotions to override our thinking.
To deal with this:

• Practice scanning for all the facts of any and all situations and interactions - it gets easy with a tad of practice.

• Anticipate how you'll probably feel and react to that situation or person (it's hard to anticipate the other person - it's a lot easier to do so with ourselves). But you've got to practice - don't be afraid to exercise your mental power!

Give it your best shot - you can do it!

3 key emotional parts

We all walk our own path in life - and there are always lots of things in life which either challenge and strengthens us - or these experiences tend to undermine our ability to be who we're meant to be:

•  by creating insecurities
•  fears
•  or painful experiences of the past that emotionally color the present.

There are 3 key emotional parts to walking our own path:

1.  being able to emotionally take responsibility for ourselves;
2.  having clarity about what's really important on a daily basis -  in other words, having a reason to get out of bed in the morning;drcwelch.com
3.  and an enhanced capacity to feel good about our ability to care, love and have compassion for ourselves and those we have relationships with.

Something for all of us to think about.