Drifting Relationships - Being Unaware of Yourself #3

One big, key reason relationships drift apart is people not being not aware of their own emotional needs. Some men especially won't let themselves think in terms of having "needs" - but that only sets them up for problems because it's like flying a plane without making use of their guidance system.

For both men and women being aware and understanding what you're looking for and what you're consciously and unconsciously longing for emotionally - is crucial for 5 reasons:

• if you know what you want and need  - then it gives you your own emotional compass when it comes to understanding your self and what has shaped you from your own emotional past
• when it comes to communicating the positive and affectionate feelings you have
• communicating to your partner when your unmet needs are strongly felt
• and understanding your emotions also equips you to be a lot more aware of the feelings and needs of people you work with . . . 
• and especially those you have closer, more intimate relationships with.

This is about knowing yourself:

1. so you're able to make smart choices and decisions about your relationships
2. so you can discuss, talk and communicate about what's working for you and what isn't always satisfying and emotionally working for you
3. and so you can do what is best and healthiest for yourself - from a physical, spiritual and emotional perspective!

This is something for all of us to think about and to be aware of. So give it your best,
Chandler
www.drcwelch.com

Emotional Hostage in Emotional Hell?

If you're dating these are some red flags to take seriously!

If you're married these red flags should be telling you that the two of you had better start doing some serious talking!

(or you'll end up being an emotional hostage in emotional hell)

• Controlling - I'll pout, be moody, withdraw, not tell you what's wrong

                                       (but I won't discuss like an adult)

• I don't want your friends around

(usually driven by immature need for your full, constant attention)

• Isolating - I don't want your family around - usually communicated through critical comments over                        time and without seeing some positives about your family

(I'm blurring my own fears, insecurities or previous bad experiences from my own family)

• Unexpected anger - this isn't fun and creates constant pain and casualties

(unless you grew up with an angry parent and you're more ok with it than you should be)

• Giving ultimatums

(it's far more about me than what's working or not working for you)

• When the relationship is work and not fun

(everyone knows when they're not having fun)

• When you don't feel listened to or understood in important ways

(and you know or can sense this one as well)

Give it you best,

Chandler

www.drcwekch.com

Why Do I Have Obsessive Thoughts?

Obsessive thinking and anxiety is a real challenge for lots of people. And it's almost always a mystery as to why it's there to begin with.

There can be lots of different life experiences and reasons but the key to dealing with obsessiveness is understanding that our mind has separated the conflicted and bad feelings which originally occurred when we experienced some traumatic or some on-going stressful situation. We have the specific memories of whatever painful experience we've had and we easily feel those negative, stressful and anxious feelings because of that experience.

But we no longer connect the two. The feelings get separated from the memory of what actually happened.  And this is due to a major triumph of our unconscious defenses over the anxious/conflicted feelings we have originally been faced with.

But those painful/anxious feelings don't just go away - they get pushed to the side but are still alive and well - they've just been  isolated from the original situation which caused them. And because they're alive and well we have to repeatedly keep pushing them off into the corner so we don't feel them and we have to repeatedly keep pushing them down to keep them separated from the original cause of them - which probably happened years ago.

Thus, we repeatedly or obsessively protect ourselves from all of this negative energy - by worry and anxiety which gets focused on almost anything or anyone - as long as we don't think about or feel all of those bad emotions.
I hope this helps - stay strong,
Chandler
www.drcwelch.com

Getting Stronger, Smarter, Healthier - Today

If you want to change something in your life -  what are you doing about it right now - today? What is your game-plan, your blue-print, the steps to get you there?
Whether it's:

• to improve your marriage
• to lose weight
• to have a better attitude
• to be less angry
• to feel better about yourself

It all starts with you! You already know at least some of what has to happen. You know you have to:

1.  start walking;
2.  begin talking about what's on your heart
3. or practice in your mind how you'll be the next time you get angry
4. or whatever it is that you want to deal with

 You know what you want - make it happen and if you need help or support or encouragement call a friend, talk with your partner or call me; but make it happen - today. Don't put it off. Push yourself; it's too easy to wait until "tomorrow."
You can do it,
Chandler
www.drcwelch.com

Trusting Your Partner

Lots of couples struggle with trusting the other -  and usually it's not about sexual behavior. But all too often it's about the feeling that the other isn't understanding or willing to listen. Instead, the lack of trust kicks in when you feel you're getting blamed, constantly criticized or just feeling you're not as special to the other as in the beginning.

It's hard to trust when you're always waiting to get hit over the head with an emotional frying pan! so the relationship continues to get more and more defensive and more distant! Because most couples have a pattern of automatically reacting defensively - it's a way of protecting yourself.

At some point someone has to decide that their partner isn't really getting out of bed planning to undermine or intentionally inflict pain.

And out of hurt and frustration you both may verbally strike back - but keep in mind - this has developed as a way of coping and not because there's a lack of fundamental caring and not because the other is mean-spirited.

It's all about caring enough about the other that someone takes the high-road and gets proactive to break a truly negative pattern. It's about reminding yourself and trusting that your partner isn't wanting to see things continue as they are!  Give it your best - just maybe you can do it.
Chandler
www.drcwelch.com

The Usual Causes of a Drifting Relationship

Relationships tend to drift for a number of reasons:

• being so busy with work; children; career
• being unaware of emotional needs of self and more often of the other
• being aware but not paying attention; not doing the listening
• getting defensive when your partner expresses frustrations
• personal insecurities which get projected onto the other person
• being too high-maintenance
• anger
• unhealthy personal habits such as drinking; excessive shopping; not staying in shape
• "emotional intimacy" has a different meaning to your partner
• being self-centered

Ironically, the only item above which isn't always in our control is the first one. I'll be doing a separate blog on each of these. All the others are areas where we do have some choice - about our behavior and attitudes either in response to what's going on in the present - or because of how our feelings and thoughts and expectations have been influenced by past experiences.
Stay tuned . . .
Chandler Welch
www.drcwelch.com

There's Only One of You!

Too many men and women struggle with negative energy - with too many critical and undermining beliefs and feelings abut themselves. It's easy to feel the hurt; the sting and the bad feelings from those negative emotional messages that have been handed to us by our parents, certain teachers, "friends," co-workers - and the list goes on . . . .

It's so easy to see and feel those negative feelings - that we too quickly let them define who we are - at least in our own minds. But those critical feelings are probably not true at all. They have nothing to do with the reality of who you are.

And they don't define all of who you are - because you know in your heart who and how you really are:

• you know that those who have criticized you in the past haven't really known you;
• they haven't really listened to you
• and they haven't worked to really understand you.

You are unique - there isn't anyone who can think, feel or do what you're able to do - in exactly the way you can. No one can replace you - so don't let those negative emotional messages from others define or describe who you know you really are!

Don't let those criticisms pull you down and don't accept less than what you deserve - for yourself and for your relationships; don't accept anyone who cannot feel honored to be a part of your life.
Chandler Welch
web site:www.drcwelch.com

By Yourself - Video

By Yourself

Two Actions - To Deal With A Drifting Relationship

There are two specific actions you can take to break that too-familiar communication and emotional pattern of drifting from closeness and sliding into a criticizing/blaming/defensive mode:

•  Get in the face of your partner - not with anger or accusations but with statements of appreciation and affection. But watch out - they better be sincere or you'll loose any and all credibility. You need to literally get in their face for your words to be heard and believed. When drifting occurs a credibility gap develops and affection and support need to be said in a deliberate and up-close manner.

• Your talk has to be very specific and with the right tone of voice! It doesn't matter if you're announcing a trip to the store or expressing your appreciation about something. You have to spell it out - so there is no chance of misinterpretation or of assumptions being made about what you really meant. Think of your partner as being six years old - no matter how smart or how much education he has. Be specific!

This is what it takes if you really want to shift the emotional tone and direction of things between you. If this feels realistic to you then it's not too late. But you have to really be aware and do it every hour of every day. Give it your best shot!
www.drcwelch.com