Drifting Relationship # 4

If your relationship has changed over time - then welcome to the club. What gets talked about the most is usually the shift of sexual interest. But that usually happens because:
 1) people don't maintain a sense of the erotic (this is a whole other subject) and
 2) more importantly, they don't make the effort to pay attention to the others' feelings and emotional needs. Lots of folks just get too used to each other. So the feeling of closeness changes.
But some people find their relationship drifting because they've placed too much weight on the feelings which were first generated between them as a way of defining their own significance and worth to themselves over the years. For example, in the beginning the feeling of specialness and significance comes from the emotional and sexual interest of the partner. But because all relationships change - the ones that devolve are no longer able to provide that ongoing source of energy that, in the past, has served to define and sustain ones' sense of personal significance and value.
If love does flow from the creator of the cosmos, then getting to a place where:
 1) you're able to feel your worth and specialness and
 2) eventually able to really value yourself (and take yourself seriously) and
 3) recognizing that the energy of love is capable of enabling you to be more aware of and attuned - that just maybe this energy can make a difference in how you view and feel toward yourself as well as your partner.
Because this energy is already a part of you - but you have to address what has till now inhibited and blocked your ability to access and draw on it in your feelings and attitudes toward yourself and maybe even toward your partner.
It's definitely something to think about.
Chandler Welch
drcwelch.com

Five Skills For Your Career and Your Relationship

A recent survey indicates that 93% of employers want college graduates with a broad background. They want to hire people who possess the following five abilities:

• a capacity to think critically
• an ability to communicate with clarity
• the ability to solve complex problems
• to think and function with ethical judgment
• to engage others with integrity

These are the same abilities and skills required for a successful, healthy relationship:

1. critical thinking is thinking about what you bring to the other person every hour; every day
2. communicating is about being honest and open - no smoke and mirrors
3. solving problems is what couples are supposed to do - together
4. being ethical is about being honest and not living with secrets or not trying to manipulate
5. integrity is about being consistent and dependable; it's being able to be trusted

A few things for all of us to think about.
Chandler Welch
www.drcwelch.com

The Battle To Be Who You Are Today - Video

The Battle To Be Who You Are Today

Sexually Molested and Angry

After talking with women who were sexually molested in some way when they were young, I've found an interesting pattern. Many (maybe most) are still angry at what their father, brother, grandfather, etc did. But many of them verbalize just as much anger - and sometimes more anger - at their mothers for the way they responded or didn't respond to what was going on.
Most people don't think about this part of the equation, but it's obvious to me how real it is. What's unfortunate is that most of the time the mothers fell victim to what was going on as well - in the sense that many of these women dealt with this emotional hot-potato from a place of:

•  personal emotional weakness
• emotional/financial insecurity;
•  fear of what others would think or say
•  fear of their partner
• or incapacitated by their own history of having been molested.

Whatever the reason the bottom line is that a surprising number of mothers failed their children at a time when they needed to be protected. But before anyone goes for the tar and feathers - the fact is - that insight and understanding into those mothers can help (to some extent) to heal at least some of that lingering hurt and anger. It's not going to make it all go away but maybe it will help some of those mothers become a tad more human in a situation when their response was less than what was needed!
If a few of these now grown daughters (and some sons) can help today's mothers be less fearful and more clear about what their response needs to be as they face a similar situation - then maybe that anger, as justified as it has been, will help protect some children today who need that protection now, as much as they, themselves, needed it years ago.
Chandler
drcwelch.com

Obsessive/Compulsive Personality Disorder Or OCD ??

There's an important difference between an Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder  and an OC Disorder. Both are grounded in a person's previous life experiences.

The Personality Disorder is based on a way of coping with repeated experiences of being overly criticized, put-down and even shamed by parents, grandparents or others.
As a result, there is an learned avoidance of making choices that might get criticized or disagreed with. The person becomes protective and somewhat controlling of projects or finances or anything that can ensure that he won't be able to be criticized or rejected again. Another way of describing this person is that he/she has learned to fly under the radar. Instead, the individual learns to be guided by:

• a set of internal "shoulds" and "directives" that give the person a careful blueprint of how to act and what to pay attention to from one situation to the next and from one day to the next. It's all about being careful not to be criticized or shamed - again.
• This Personality Disorder results in an emotionally constricted, rigid, and difficult-to-deal-with-change personality.
• Social, family and intimate relationships are challenging and difficult. 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, however, is a way of coping with a more specific painful or traumatic experience from the past that gets dealt with by separating the memory of what happened in the past from the feelings that continue to accompany that memory.

• the compulsive part happens as the person does battle with anxious and fearful feelings by:
• repeatedly needing to push to the side or push out of sight those bad or painful feelings
• that haven't been completely repressed or pushed out of sight in the first place.

And finally, an Obsessive Personality Disorder is a more fixed part of one's personality while OCD is considered to have a very different origin and to affect a part - but not all - of a person's personality and life and relationships.
I hope this helps,
Chandler
www.drcwelch.com

Drifting Relationships - Being Unaware of Yourself #3

One big, key reason relationships drift apart is people not being not aware of their own emotional needs. Some men especially won't let themselves think in terms of having "needs" - but that only sets them up for problems because it's like flying a plane without making use of their guidance system.

For both men and women being aware and understanding what you're looking for and what you're consciously and unconsciously longing for emotionally - is crucial for 5 reasons:

• if you know what you want and need  - then it gives you your own emotional compass when it comes to understanding your self and what has shaped you from your own emotional past
• when it comes to communicating the positive and affectionate feelings you have
• communicating to your partner when your unmet needs are strongly felt
• and understanding your emotions also equips you to be a lot more aware of the feelings and needs of people you work with . . . 
• and especially those you have closer, more intimate relationships with.

This is about knowing yourself:

1. so you're able to make smart choices and decisions about your relationships
2. so you can discuss, talk and communicate about what's working for you and what isn't always satisfying and emotionally working for you
3. and so you can do what is best and healthiest for yourself - from a physical, spiritual and emotional perspective!

This is something for all of us to think about and to be aware of. So give it your best,
Chandler
www.drcwelch.com

Emotional Hostage in Emotional Hell?

If you're dating these are some red flags to take seriously!

If you're married these red flags should be telling you that the two of you had better start doing some serious talking!

(or you'll end up being an emotional hostage in emotional hell)

• Controlling - I'll pout, be moody, withdraw, not tell you what's wrong

                                       (but I won't discuss like an adult)

• I don't want your friends around

(usually driven by immature need for your full, constant attention)

• Isolating - I don't want your family around - usually communicated through critical comments over                        time and without seeing some positives about your family

(I'm blurring my own fears, insecurities or previous bad experiences from my own family)

• Unexpected anger - this isn't fun and creates constant pain and casualties

(unless you grew up with an angry parent and you're more ok with it than you should be)

• Giving ultimatums

(it's far more about me than what's working or not working for you)

• When the relationship is work and not fun

(everyone knows when they're not having fun)

• When you don't feel listened to or understood in important ways

(and you know or can sense this one as well)

Give it you best,

Chandler

www.drcwekch.com